Ramblings

I wish I kept better track of my pregnancy last time. I just guess I figured every pregnancy would be the same. It might be the same, but I just don't remember. I swear I'm bigger this time, but i never measured once. I started measuring in toilet paper last week and I was 10.5 squares (at 28 weeks). This week I am 11 squares.
Today is the day that the "big" comments are getting to annoy me. Its because I'm starting to feel fat. I feel like my arms don't look good in tanks anymore. Good thing my mom just got me some cute tees to workout in! And she got me a support band too...best purchase she's ever made!! $6 at kid to kid!!! Why have I never heard that those are so awesome?? I've only heard of them..no reviews or anything.

I've tried to hold in the "Crazy" this time around. I try to recognize when my feelings are irrational. But tonight Mrs. crazy was UN-leashed.
I haven't had a clean house in a while. I'm just too tired and lazy and big. Even though Josh always tells me I'm doing a great job with everything...having dinner ready when he gets home and cleaning the house...I just am hard on myself.
I had a sink full of dishes and a dirty kitchen and I hate me a dirty kitchen. I don't care really how messy my room is. I'm never in there, and if I am, my eyes are closed!
Anyway, I was cleaning away and Josh and Kaius were playing in the other room. Somehow, I got hit in the head with a football...which I was fine with...just asked them to please leave me alone for a while. 2 seconds later, Kaius was into the dishwasher, pulling out a knife or something. AHHHHHHH!!! I'm so sick and tired of having a Tasmanian devil following me wherever I go and undoing everything I clean!!!!!!! I couldnt handle it anymore. I just said "I can't do this anymore!" and burst into tears.
"I'm the worst stay-at-home-mom, ever!!"
I could tell Josh found it comical because, well, it came out of NOWHERE. I went and just shut myself in the bathroom and had a good cry.
Then we talked, and Josh and Kaius gave me hugs. It was cute, Kaius was so concerned. He really is a sweet boy, but man, today I probably put him in time out 30+ times. He will not stay off my dining room table.
We just came to terms with the fact that, it will be a very long time before our house is clean again consistently. its impossible. I always told myself I wouldnt let my house go and schtuff but its not practical, at all.
I mean, I can keep my kitchen clean, and our rooms since we aren't ever in there, but Kai's favorite time to play with toys is when they're all cleaned up. So aggravating.

I've been reading the "seriously so blessed" blog, have you heard of it? Its someone posing as a mormon mommy and totally making fun of the culture. Love it. It makes me laugh at it and sort of realize its ok to not be perfect and not always be put together...even tho that is ALWAYS how I have pictured myself being (or acting like it)
But I'm just going to say it:
I'm not put together!!! And I like it that way!!!!!!!!
I don't shop at anthropologie, although I'd love to, I'm just way too cheap to do that! And if you know me, you know I'm CHEAP!
I don't shower every day!
I havent folded/hung up laundry in a month!
Every day I sit on my bootay on the couch most of the time!
I think I've eaten somewhere between 8-10 cookies today!

The last 2 years I've been pregnant or breastfeeding multiple times a night. I don't remember what its like to not be tired all the time. But once both kids are sleeping through the night, I'll be an energetic, fun mom, right? I'll shower every morning and put on makeup?
P.S....my belly button is totally gunna pop out this time...and it wasnt even CLOSE to popping out last time. Weird, right?!

*stroking the computer screen* ohhh, Audi. I miss you so much.