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So I've been worried for the last week that I might be having a miscarriage. I'm 10 weeks along. So I called the dr. and they had me come in to check my HCG levels. Then 48 hours check them again, to make sure they double. They said they would call me Monday morning with the results.

This morning at 11:45 I still hadn't heard from them, so I called them. They said they had the results but hadn't had the chance to review them yet, so they'll get back to me. An hour later they called.
"I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but your HCG levels were supposed to double, and they went down 20,000. You are most likely having a miscarriage. We will have you come in tomorrow to determine whether you will need to take medication or have a D & C to avoid an infection in your uterus."

"is there a chance I'm not having a miscarriage?" I ask through tears.

"At this point, its not likely," She states regretfully, "I'm so sorry I just don't want to give you any false hope."

I say goodbye through sobs and hang up the phone.

I immediately text my friends and family members who have been supporting me through this to let them know the bad news. I'm crying right now because I remember so well the pure grief I was going through.
I pulled myself together to call my sweet husband. But the sobbing continued and he said he would come right home to be with me.

I was thinking, 'This is not how it was supposed to be. Kaius was supposed to have a sibling close in age. that was our plan. For the last 2 months I've done nothing but sit on the couch and watch TV. My house is a pig sty. I haven't cooked in 2 months. Josh has done so much to take care of me and Kaius. Feeding us. Getting me food when I need/want it. Giving me massages whenever I want.
Did all of that go to waste? Is this my fault? Do I not take very good care of myself? It is all my fault.'

It was about at that point when I got another call from the dr's assistant, "I forgot to tell you why there is a chance why it may not be a miscarriage."
(oh REALLY? You also forgot to tell me there was a chance at all.)
"You're just over 10 weeks right?"
yes...
"Well its about at that point that your HCG levels off and evens out and can decrease..."
Thats basically it, I'll spare you the other intimate details.
I looked online a little bit and basically it said HCG levels aren't always accurate to tell you whether your pregnancy is viable or not. Everyone is different. Not everyone doubles every 48 hours.

After I read that, I told Josh "That makes me a little bit mad. I don't think I had a miscarriage! I think they will find a heartbeat."
He said he hopes they do too.

Before the appointment I was unusually chipper. I wasn't worried about it.
After about 3 minutes of her looking for the heartbeat with the doppler (and hearing my slow heartbeat a few times), she decided to go a little bit higher and *swoosh*swoosh*swoosh* went that baby's heartbeat. Tears filled my eyes and I don't remember a time feeling as much joy (yes I do, when I heard Kai's heartbeat the first time...and his first cry)
She said "You must be further along than we thought!! The baby is pretty high!"
We were so excited she turned on the ultrasound machine and she showed Josh and I the little tiny flutter of the heart.

Thank you to those of you who knew about it for your prayers and support. It would have been hard without you guys.
She told me when we were leaving that now that everything is ok after all that happened, the chances of me miscarrying are less than 3%. Super stoked! Baby #2 is on the way!!!!!

Weird

On MSN.com when I logged out of Hotmail, it showed a story about why educators are separating best friends in class and why its a good thing. The picture to go along with the article was this:



I did a double take at the girl on the left.

Doesn't she look like....me?

photoshop fail

Have you ever seen a worse airbrushing job? When I saw it, I was like...it looks airbrushed but maybe she lost weight. I watched a few minutes of the show today, uh, no. She is not that skinny.
Now that I look at it again I see how horrible of a job the did photoshopping her.

Im all about curves, lets be reasonable though, ABC.

The Bob Sagat Dream

So...the other night I had a dream that Josh didn't exist and I wasn't married. Its like every other night I'll have a dream that way, and then every night in between Kaius and Josh are there.

Well, I remember considering in my dream whether I should marry Bob Sagat, because we were dating and I guess you could say things were gettin' pretty serious (kip from napoleon dynamite accent).

Well, laying in bed last night I vented to Josh: "I'm really concerned!! Why would I dream that? He was a better looking Bob Sagat though."

Josh knew right away what the reason was.

Our guilty pleasure, is watching this absolutely ridiculous TV show about teenagers that have "S" and get pregnant a lot, and are ALL SUPER UNREALISTICALLY open about talking about "S" with their parents...Do you watch it too?



Anyway...

Here is one of the characters:




I thought they were related, but no. For the record, I don't think either of these men are attractive, but Ben (the top one) is better looking. Which is more of who the person in my dream looked like. I remember when I was considering marriage I was like "i'd be famous...but im REALLY not attracted to him" and I was completely torn.

My Poor Baby!

So, I always thought people were over-exaggerating when they say they were up with their sick baby all night. Kaius hasn't really ever been sick before. He had a temperature of 101 all day yesterday, which isn't really anything to call the doc over, especially with no other symptoms. He just wanted me to hold him all day and sleep on me all day, which I didn't mind too much. Except the only thing I wanted to eat was ramen and its quite impossible to make that with a baby in your arms, so I had to wait for Josh to get home.

When "nye nye" time came, Kaius was waking up every 30 minutes, leaving me no time to get a wink in. Around 1 am he was absolutely inconsolable and felt super hot, so I woke josh up to have him help me take his temp. It was
103°

Which alarmed both of us. So I quickly got on the computer (after giving him some infant tylenol) to see if I need to take him in to the doctors.
Baby Center said the doctor will ask about other symptoms, which he didnt have any, and if he has none to just give him meds and watch him. After the meds he seemed fine but was wiiiide awake. I stayed up for another hour or so but he would cry if I sat. I was soooo tired I finally went into Josh and woke him up again saying I needed a break or I was going to go mad!
I couldn't have left him in his crib to cry it out when he is sick. That's just wrong.
I laid my head down and I was out.
He woke up about every hour after that.

This morning we got a call from Audi that our car is fixed. So Josh wakes me up at 8 am to go get it. I don't know how he did that successfully without me hurting him ;)

Well, I am obviously a basket case, so of course I forget my phone, and my house keys. So when Kaius and I come back to the house, we have no way of calling Josh or getting in. So we made today an adventure!
We went to a bookstore, Kaius was as happy as can be playing with books, toys, and other kids. There was a little girl there that said "babies can't be in bookstores." It was really funny. I got to finish "The Second Short Life of Bree Tanner"

Then we went to the bishop's house to use their phone to call Josh. Our bishop and his family are awesome. Then Kaius and I were hungry...sick of living off of cheerio's for the day. So we went to Smiths and got cookie samples! And spent a good chunk of time in the coffee aisle...oh man coffee smells soooo freakin good.

(but tastes gross...except frappuccinos and coffee ice cream...which I don't consume anymore..I'm mormon)
Then Josh saved the day with a pizza and a key to the house.

It was actually a really fun day. Thank goodness Kaius did enough crying last night for a month.

Some things I want to remember about Kaius:


-He is OBSESSED with dogs. He thinks the bark is so funny. He is always giggling when he sees them in real life, tv, or books.

-He is also pretty obsessed with feet/shoes. He got a hold of this baby girl shoe and put it to his ear like it was a phone.

-He takes anything and puts it to his ear since then and pretends its a phone...even if its an envelope and not shaped like a phone at all. He just babbles like he is having an important conversation.

-Today he learned "UH OOOOH"



-He says "mama" but says "dada" waaay more often. He'll just go around the house going "dad. dad. dad. dad. dad." and he says "Hi dad"

-He LOVES any type of ball and loves to throw them.

-About 30 seconds ago Josh offered him some pizza and he walked about 13 steps to him without falling!!! Nuts!

Kaius learning his Animal Sounds

This sweet duck pond and creek are right by our house!

I'm SO ECSTATIC...

I could cry. I got teary eyed.

On the way home from Zumba (so, the endorphins were already flowin..feelin good) tonight, I heard a radio advertisement. It was about PURPLE crying.

P.U.R.P.L.E. stands for:
Peak of Crying
Unexpected
Resists Soothing
Pain-like Face
Long Lasting
Evening

ever since I got pregnant/had a baby, it seems I hear about a parent/babysitter killing a baby at least once a week. It breaks my heart. I've been there, only a few times, where Kaius cries and cries and cries. Wont eat, Clean bum, Wont sleep. One time I was overwhelmed and started crying...right when the relief society presidency decided to pop in unexpectedly. I just love looking like I haven't showered/slept in weeks, not wearing a bra, and am blubbering like an idiot.
Anyway, I see advertisements for no drunk/drowsy driving, help with quitting tobacco, immunize your children, etc, etc.
I thought, "Why aren't they doing advertisements for not shaking your baby? Sometimes after trying EVERYTHING its ok to place them in their crib and walk away to gather yourself together." I wished they would make billboards. But I just didn't know who to contact about it.

Looks like someone took initiative. Bless their heart.