Friday, February 3, 2012

Deep Breath.

Every once in a while I am reminded in some way to come and read my old blog post when I was pregnant with Monroe. I absolutely cannot read that post without bawling my eyes out. I remember that day too well. The 10 minutes I truly believed I lost my baby I went through a bunch of emotions. Anger. Sadness. Regret. Guilt. Hate. Love. Misery. Self Pity. Then the roller coaster of emotions. The eternity it took the nurse to find the heartbeat. Then feeling relief, happiness, complete elation...slight annoyance?

I only went through it for 10 minutes before they called me back to tell me it may not be true. Which is every pregnant-woman-who's-been-told-they've-miscarried's absolute dream come true. I hear about friends and even my own sister who have had ACTUAL miscarriages, some still-born. I wish everyone had an outcome like mine. Why did I and they didn't? Its not fair.

Since that day, that doctors office really walked on egg shells with me. Only scheduled me with the doctor, I never saw that nurse practitioner again. They covered my bill for the HCG blood draw at the hospital before the roller coaster day. I wasn't mad at her, she was very young. I hope she didn't get into trouble. Then Josh was laid off and got another job an hour away and we moved. I just did a google search, she still works there, so she didnt get in THAT much trouble ;) I also found that she volunteered free OBGYN care to women in rural india. Sweet girl. Looking at her picture, I remember her face. She was emotionally invested in the situation.

Anyway. Monroe lately is showing a little bit of a diva side. If I give her food she is not in the mood for, she tears it up and throws it (graham cracker, bread, etc). Hissy fit (but still cute)! She is waking up at least twice a night and I will love it when she stops that. I still don't understand how women "miss" breastfeeding.
Everywhere we go people cannot believe how beautiful her eyes are. she has great lashes, and very blue eyes. She will wave at people, but only if she is excited to see them. Kaius beats up on her hourly, she takes it like a champ. But boy, it infuriates me.

Kaius is absolutely obsessed with Spiderman, Superman, and The Hulk. He is starting to formulate sentences and it makes me soo happy. Monroe started crying and I asked, "What happened? Did you hit her?" he said, "YEAH. PUUSSH. Push her." It was so cute, I dont think I even punished him. Well, he wouldn't say sorry, so he did go to time out.

OH! and something really funny happened this week. We were leaving to go meet Josh at his office, and as soon as we got outside Kaius bails off the porch into the vines. Me, in my new Zumba sneakers, refuse to go in after him. After pleading and working up to yelling at him...not knowing what to do...I decided to tell him I was going to see Daddy without him. I get in the car and pull out and I see Kaius start to have a FREAK OUT. He is full on panicking. He almost falls on his face, but runs out into the road in front of my car, with arms up surrendering, screaming and sobbing. I wish I had a picture of that moment. He truly thought I was going to leave him there. I got him in the car and said "Mister, you know I wouldn't REALLY leave you home, right? Mommy would never leave you, Kaius" he says "Yeah...eave you Taius" (repeating my last sentence) He is my favorite little boy!


Mimi said...

Carly you show great compassion for those of us who have had loss and I really appreciate that because a lot of people and family do not. I loved this post because you touched on something very personal and ended it with telling stories of your babies. Thanks for this post!

Chris & Maggie said...

I had no idea that you went through that with Monroe. It is a very tragic and heart breaking thing to go through. Exactly why I changed to a different doctors office. :)

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